I hate people who aren't honest, especially if you devoted your heart to that person, you still loved them even as fucking stoners addicted to a truck of drugs that the just hop into; well you know what Roger; you're and ass. and i hate to think i even wasted two years trying to find ways to help you you're such an ass hole who can't even hold up a conversation, you're fried, and i can't say i hate you cause you are no matter what in some sort of way i'll always think of you as my jerk off brother that you are,i'm not going to dread you or even care; you really are not a person i saw you as a long time ago when i really looked up to you, you're the oppisite, i'm not going to be mad whats the point you're so beneath me i can care less about you; i hope you get some help dude, but what ever you're life. you're the stoner. hell i don't even think you can remember my favorite song or color. hell why do you ware my shit! you think it does'nt hurt me?! it does, i'm mis lead like a lamb to butcher, i thought i was loved by my big brother, some one who told me everyday "i Love you" you're royaly the biggest ass ever. when i look at you now, i see sloth; lazy, not involved in anything to do with whats around, away in the clouds, and Gluttony- your life is acid, marijuana, beans (whatever the hell thoes are) shrooms! youre indulgant and so ugly on the inside that i can't comprehend why i ever loved a brother like you! you're horrible! you don't see and ugly ass monster in the mirror and i hope you know what happens to those who are indulgant and lazy! you die in Vain
Greed will go broke
Lust will Get AIDS
Envy will get what she asked for
Vainty will die ugly
Sloth will rot alive
Gluttony will starve
and I will burn
at least i accept the temper i was given.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
no reason just confused
I'm in that state of mind where all you seem to do is fall into tht epiphany that is your mind; your mind becomes an ingma; i wonder how many famous people pass me as spirts? look over my sholder and look down at me and smile. am i that lonely? that i think that? i wonder if they even ake time to look at me? i'm just a normal confused teenage child none the less; who has a boat load of problems. i like listing to john lennon sing. it makes me smile to think that if someone in heaven looks down at me and says.
"she'll go somewhere"
i hope some one thinks that of me,
i think im just going to smile
"she'll go somewhere"
i hope some one thinks that of me,
i think im just going to smile
Friday, August 26, 2011
Bubble Gum
Bubble Gum is my alter ego, she likes to be bare footed, and has a ver loud mouth; just like her creator. shes super lazy and is a bit of a sosciopath, she has no consept of how feelings work, therefore she hardly knows herself; when she becomes sad she can't express it unfortunately; she just sits down and listens to her music; she can't do anyrhing else. she's quite a character; her parents think ill of her because of her personality; she lovess to be bare footed, and likes puple lives so paralell; her hobbies include listinig to korn and playing her bass,
she lives a lonely life and is ver elusive, she lies a lot too. but thats okay; shes just creative, Bubble Gum is confused in school life and all aspects of everything, she is ver selfless and tries to be a good person but how does that person live when everyone around her is evil.
she has a facination with drugs too, not experimenting but there affects.
makes Bubble Gum mis-understood; she likes dead bodies.
she comes out of me when i go into bitch mode, she lets me speak my mind and gives me emotions i didn't think exsisted. she is very cocky; I'm generally chill and not very cocky; but she lives 75% of my life she is me; shes the numbness when the fights start at home; the stubborne look in the mirror; the reason we dis-like the reflection, she insults mercilessly; she gives honest opinions; and help when asked for it; Bubble Gum hates drugs passionatley; it destroyed our best friend; i suppose thats where she made her apperance in my life, she had alwasys been there. just reclusive with very rare apprances. She made me very cold in a year; and made me less of a matt on the floor, however we have compassion for those in need of help; even if we can't we'll take a good hard 3 swings at it.
She's very territorial- she dis-likes any individual who passes the sacred RED line, when people pass that line they are beind our wall lurking in out castle. and it bothers us, enrages us; i may sound schizo; but i dont change personalites; she doesn;t exsits, but she is me, just an ego of mine.
both of us made a wall to keep people out of our heads.
she originated when i was about six. People fed us lies, shoved them down our throats, and we hated three people for that. we hate because we do not know, we sit behind that wall together and just draw, think and wander endlessly and try
to live another day
survive my life in a whole; never return to the past and forge ahead.
(Bubble Gum)
and when times are tough i know she has my back
she lives a lonely life and is ver elusive, she lies a lot too. but thats okay; shes just creative, Bubble Gum is confused in school life and all aspects of everything, she is ver selfless and tries to be a good person but how does that person live when everyone around her is evil.
she has a facination with drugs too, not experimenting but there affects.
makes Bubble Gum mis-understood; she likes dead bodies.
she comes out of me when i go into bitch mode, she lets me speak my mind and gives me emotions i didn't think exsisted. she is very cocky; I'm generally chill and not very cocky; but she lives 75% of my life she is me; shes the numbness when the fights start at home; the stubborne look in the mirror; the reason we dis-like the reflection, she insults mercilessly; she gives honest opinions; and help when asked for it; Bubble Gum hates drugs passionatley; it destroyed our best friend; i suppose thats where she made her apperance in my life, she had alwasys been there. just reclusive with very rare apprances. She made me very cold in a year; and made me less of a matt on the floor, however we have compassion for those in need of help; even if we can't we'll take a good hard 3 swings at it.
She's very territorial- she dis-likes any individual who passes the sacred RED line, when people pass that line they are beind our wall lurking in out castle. and it bothers us, enrages us; i may sound schizo; but i dont change personalites; she doesn;t exsits, but she is me, just an ego of mine.
both of us made a wall to keep people out of our heads.
she originated when i was about six. People fed us lies, shoved them down our throats, and we hated three people for that. we hate because we do not know, we sit behind that wall together and just draw, think and wander endlessly and try
to live another day
survive my life in a whole; never return to the past and forge ahead.
and when times are tough i know she has my back
dead Bodies
Dead bodies; something of great facination to me. i love them they are why we exsist today with some cures to major illnesses and disease's i can't hide my passion for them, i love to study them, i guess all of the pshycological disturbances i've had since i was very young lead me to a strange hobby; decomp of a body the bugs inside of the dead; the tissue dissolvement; i will never ever be "normal"
maybe if my parents ever really got me help, i would want to look inside of people, or go outside every day just to find something dead and try to figure out its COD. everyone thinks i'm nuts for such a passion for something thats so gross; so my passion remains elusive. i say tattooist; or muscian; maybe artist?
but really in life all i want to do is crack open a body and peek around, find a cure; look for disease; study and prevent. i'm never phased by a man looking up at me from a cold metalilc table; i'd love to watch an autopsy
i've had this dream since i was twelve; i always saw a brillant girl looking at a body, fishing around, with a radio near by her to help her concentrate; my preferance of course would be Van-Halen...
i always giggle thinking about this chill girl; flipping over a new body comming into her morgue. and smileing going "YAY" i want to find weird diseases; rare things, from bodies, taxidermy them and place them on a shelf if its legal, well it'll stay in the morgue for referance and or oddities, i think everyone would see a girl in Chuck Taylors or vans, tight skinny jeans put up with a tight t-shirt; my hair up in a clippy and go to work with my scalpal.
maybe if my parents ever really got me help, i would want to look inside of people, or go outside every day just to find something dead and try to figure out its COD. everyone thinks i'm nuts for such a passion for something thats so gross; so my passion remains elusive. i say tattooist; or muscian; maybe artist?
but really in life all i want to do is crack open a body and peek around, find a cure; look for disease; study and prevent. i'm never phased by a man looking up at me from a cold metalilc table; i'd love to watch an autopsy
i've had this dream since i was twelve; i always saw a brillant girl looking at a body, fishing around, with a radio near by her to help her concentrate; my preferance of course would be Van-Halen...
i always giggle thinking about this chill girl; flipping over a new body comming into her morgue. and smileing going "YAY" i want to find weird diseases; rare things, from bodies, taxidermy them and place them on a shelf if its legal, well it'll stay in the morgue for referance and or oddities, i think everyone would see a girl in Chuck Taylors or vans, tight skinny jeans put up with a tight t-shirt; my hair up in a clippy and go to work with my scalpal.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The door matt
I don't like the school year; boyfriends, drama, class stress, it makes my head whirl. I didn't want to snap it off with my boyfriend. So my grandmother told me i was a "minipulated door matt" to him. and i'm not! i just like him a lot; i know hes needy and kind of a ass. but he has special times, i don't think i love him as much as i did. but i don't want to break it off yet; he's very special to me :)
BUT I"M NOT A DOOR MATT; and thats why i hate her in a sort of way; she makes her comments and thinks nothing of how i would feel! we get in fights a lot, but its still not my dad so its better... my mother told me in life choose the the lesser of the two evils.
What made it worse is i came home so happy going to tell her i didn't have to take my Alg I class over and that filled me with pride to know i passed the toughest class i had- well to me anyways; then fucking ass hole Danny opened his mouth i want to smother him with a pillow; but he said "did you end it" and every one listened like it was the end of a who-done-it trial, when i said no thats when she told me i was a "door matt." i a'm infuriated
BUT I"M NOT A DOOR MATT; and thats why i hate her in a sort of way; she makes her comments and thinks nothing of how i would feel! we get in fights a lot, but its still not my dad so its better... my mother told me in life choose the the lesser of the two evils.
What made it worse is i came home so happy going to tell her i didn't have to take my Alg I class over and that filled me with pride to know i passed the toughest class i had- well to me anyways; then fucking ass hole Danny opened his mouth i want to smother him with a pillow; but he said "did you end it" and every one listened like it was the end of a who-done-it trial, when i said no thats when she told me i was a "door matt." i a'm infuriated
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Flashbacks
They all said; i'm a drama kid, black kids say i don't have it hard, i live the life they want. My grandma says the entire world is my fault, or thats what it feels like, for seven years my dad abused me. and i was used to the life like that, hidden in smiles, under is shreded, no one saw the cuts i gave myself, the carvings in my arms, no cared enough. then i moved in with my grand. who says i'm a drama queen, over react.
she was sucessful in high school, i'm not so much; "D"s "C" and then the "A's" and "B's" more A's and B's but still she was perfect, she didnt go at herself with the to hurt. she didn't want to smother herself, she didn't want to punch the mirrors out. break the light bulbs, and sit in the dark so she couldn't have to see what she looked like, and then i became a sex adict, and its looking like drugs next i just don't want to be here, breathing wasn't meant for me.
i was doing so well too... i was happy, and then; she yelled at me, all of that compressed anger, rage; the things i felt with my dad flooded my head. how not even my friend could leave me be, i never had to go to halifax, i never had to explain the cuts. cause all i did was sit in my room,
i guess cause she said "Its your fault" - it wasn't a big deal- the fight, but those three words put the trigger in my head again. i wanted to rip my self up, burn, cut, hide and run.
i need help i know i do.
how does it feel to cut? i wonder sometimes, i forgot the feeling, i know it feels good when the skin tears, and everything goes and all you can do is sigh in relif, that in this world you're going to survive, but society thinks of us as taboo, and christians dont like us, but what do we care when we can finally look in the miorror and smile? i wont commit susicide but somedays it feels like thats the way out. i'm so ill and i know i am, i guess i'm sick in th head, i think my dad thinks we're sick people who see no vaule in life. a waste of space i suppose.
sometimes i used to peirce my lip and never put the ring in... like i said life isn't for me. i wish i had been born a child to two NORMAL parents. and didn;t live... in her own little schizo world. thats how i feel. bags under my eyes, i never sleep. i'm certifyably insane. i need a high out of this skin. no cuts, or pain, or breath, hunger, or angry people. just me... i'm sorry its so long, but if someone wants to help the "Sick" little 15 year old, please leave a comment.
she was sucessful in high school, i'm not so much; "D"s "C" and then the "A's" and "B's" more A's and B's but still she was perfect, she didnt go at herself with the to hurt. she didn't want to smother herself, she didn't want to punch the mirrors out. break the light bulbs, and sit in the dark so she couldn't have to see what she looked like, and then i became a sex adict, and its looking like drugs next i just don't want to be here, breathing wasn't meant for me.
i was doing so well too... i was happy, and then; she yelled at me, all of that compressed anger, rage; the things i felt with my dad flooded my head. how not even my friend could leave me be, i never had to go to halifax, i never had to explain the cuts. cause all i did was sit in my room,
i guess cause she said "Its your fault" - it wasn't a big deal- the fight, but those three words put the trigger in my head again. i wanted to rip my self up, burn, cut, hide and run.
i need help i know i do.
how does it feel to cut? i wonder sometimes, i forgot the feeling, i know it feels good when the skin tears, and everything goes and all you can do is sigh in relif, that in this world you're going to survive, but society thinks of us as taboo, and christians dont like us, but what do we care when we can finally look in the miorror and smile? i wont commit susicide but somedays it feels like thats the way out. i'm so ill and i know i am, i guess i'm sick in th head, i think my dad thinks we're sick people who see no vaule in life. a waste of space i suppose.
sometimes i used to peirce my lip and never put the ring in... like i said life isn't for me. i wish i had been born a child to two NORMAL parents. and didn;t live... in her own little schizo world. thats how i feel. bags under my eyes, i never sleep. i'm certifyably insane. i need a high out of this skin. no cuts, or pain, or breath, hunger, or angry people. just me... i'm sorry its so long, but if someone wants to help the "Sick" little 15 year old, please leave a comment.
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